100%

I am 100% out of it today. I've been mentally preoccupied (contemplating) all day and at the same time trying to keep my composure at work. Too many things are going on in my brain and I can't even verbalize what is going on up there!

I went to lunch with some co-workers today and one asked me what I was thinking on the ride over. And I was like "nothing, absolutely nothing, that sky sure is blue!!!!!" And then I continued the joke as if my mind was empty. They fell for it, but during lunch another coworker was like "you sure are quiet today" and I said "I'm just looking forward to the weekend." She asked what I was doing and I said "nothing." She asked why would I look forward to that and I said "it's not the week" but inside, I thought, am I really looking forward to the weekend? No, I'm not looking forward to anything.

If I can't get this house, I'm going to throw in the towel for a few years and go to grad school. This is what I've decided. I am better off when I am using my brain and I need to use my brain or else I will feel this way forever. So many things are not the way I'd like them to be, but I need to change the ones I can, and getting a Master's is one of those things.

There's nothing really wrong with my life. It's really going well, I just want to improve it. I am a perfectionist in a lot of ways. When it comes to my goals, if I don't do it right, then I might as well not do it at all. I'm not doing it right at this moment. So I'm going to change that.

Life is too complicated for words, too intricate to express, and too beautiful to realize it. I've just got to take things one step at a time and sit back and try to appreciate all the things I have going for me, no matter how bad it may seem temporarily, temporary is all that it is.